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Why why why why why why why?????!!!!!!

Why is it so hard for me to just cop to work screw-ups as soon as I know about them?

This is the exact thing that got me in such hot water at my previous agency that I ended up leaving.

And I've reallyreally tried to over-come it because I know Bubbles will try to help me fix it and back me up with management as much as possible IF I tell her right away. BUTBUTBUT....there's this THING inside me that just clenches up at the thought of having to admit things. So I try to get them fixed before telling anybody. If I can't get it fixed, I thing have this weird tendency to just ignore the problem as thought that will somehow make it go away, instead of the thing that can only happen in that situation: IT GETS WORSE!

EXAMPLE #1-I accidentally made a hotel reservation for the wrong date. The client got a no-show bill. I asked for a waiver from the hotel. They didn't give it to me. RIGHT THERE----I should have told Bubbles and done an "OOPS" so the agency could cut a check.

Instead I tried some more emails to the hotel and then....since I didn't get another "no," I just kind of hoped they'd changed their minds and were going to do the waiver....that was nearly a month ago. Now it turns out they didn't (SURPRISE) and the charge is on the client's bill and he's denying the charge. BIG MESS. BIG UGLY MESS.

EXAMPLE #2-Client booked a ticket on July 18. Ticket should have been refundable. Ticket was not refundable. The fare base LOOKED refundable, but somehow the fare did not get stored with the coding that would have ensured to be not refundable. I booked the ticket. I screwed up. Client called to cancel and refund ticket. I submitted it for refund and was told it was nonrefundable.
Which I then proceeded to not mention to anyone, HOPING that the attorney would be another trip that I could apply the ticket to.

Instead it turns out that the client's client wants and accounting of ALL the charges and wants to know why they are being billed for an unused ticket.

Now I'm going to have to tell Bubbles that I've been sitting on this one for a month too and since the ticket is really, most sincerely nonrefundable, we might have to eat the cost of this one as well, and let me tell you, for a nonrefundable ticket. I ain't cheap.

How do I break this cycle? It's ALWAYS the same thing. Screw up. Cover up. Agita as exposure nears. Confession. And of course disappointment. Bubbles is going to be extremely disappointed, and the first thing she is going to tell me is that I should have told her immediately. Which is true. BUT I COULDN'T.

Why do I do this to myself?

This is really NOT a good time to get fired, although if it does happen, maybe it'll be my chance to get a job apprenticing for a pet groomer or hire on as a dog-walker somewhere.


( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 12th, 2012 12:00 am (UTC)
This is a fascinating pattern. Why are you afraid of fessing up? Or is it something deeper than that? Do you need to be "caught" somehow? Only you can answer the questions this issue raises. It would be shitty to get fired, esp. in this economy.

How well do you know Bubbles? Is she someone you could tell this too? Probably not. But you might need someone to be accountable to (not your boss). I have someone I write emails with my goals and when I'm going to do them. If I don't, she writes short emails like "ahem".

Okay, enough bossy armchair therapist. Good luck.
Sep. 12th, 2012 02:31 am (UTC)
Bubbles and I go back a long way. We first worked together in 1994. She knows I have this problem and she's also been counting on me to overcome it. I don't KNOW why I'm like this. Possibly it has to do with my dynamic in the family of being the 1st child and the good one, as opposed to my sister who was more of a rebel. So when anything that might interfere with my "good" image comes up, I try to hide it.

I'm 47 years old now...there's no excuse especially when it creates problems for my company and my boss, as much as for me when the fit hits the shan.e
Sep. 12th, 2012 03:24 pm (UTC)
Since I answer to virtually no one, my self-sabotage often involves letting things slip by until it's too late to take advantage of them.
Sep. 12th, 2012 12:28 pm (UTC)
Damn :( I can most certainly relate.
Sep. 12th, 2012 04:37 pm (UTC)
Like my compulsive behaviors around food and body image, it's very old programming that has ceased to have any useful function (if it ever did) and is now just a way to make myself miserable.
Sep. 12th, 2012 06:56 pm (UTC)
How do I break this cycle?

To paraphrase Nike - Just DO it. Nobody is tying you to a chair and gagging you, so that you can't tell Bubbles right away what's going on. Effectively, YOU are gagging yourself, YOU are stopping yourself.

So the next time you get that 'don't want to tell someone' feeling, you need to 'feel the fear and do it anyways', as an old clinical supervisor of mine used to say. In other words, grit your teeth and go tell Bubbles about the problem. STAT.

/end psychologist moment. And that will be 50$, please. (kidding!)
Sep. 12th, 2012 07:38 pm (UTC)
And yet...when it actually happens and my brain is saying, "Let's call the rep and try and fix it first," it sounds so much more reasonable. Followed by the downward spiral and escalation.
Sep. 13th, 2012 04:25 pm (UTC)
I know. But that's the exact moment you need to tell yourself STOP. CHANGE DIRECTION.

At least you know the process by which this self-sabotage is happening. That's always the very first step to changing behaviour. Nobody can change anything, if they don't know WHAT they are doing.

Sep. 13th, 2012 07:03 pm (UTC)
There's also the drama queen aspect to take into consideration. Again, acutely painful, but highly addictive.
Sep. 14th, 2012 03:07 pm (UTC)
Well, you can still go tell Bubbles (early on, before things snowball) in a dramatic way, right? It's a win-win! ;)

How did it turn out in the end?
Sep. 23rd, 2012 06:09 pm (UTC)
It's kind of still going. I had the unfortunate experience of starting my first week with the new manager with all of this going directly on her plate. I'm honestly not sure I'm going to make it.
Sep. 23rd, 2012 09:37 pm (UTC)

*hugs you and prays for the best possible outcome*
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )



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