I hate the fact that my body is genetically pre-disposed to creating fat cells and storing large amounts of "energy" in them.
I hate that I have no sanity when it comes to dealing with fat and/or sugar and especially the combination of fat and sugar. One is too many and a thousand never enough.
I hate that I have the mental programming that will never really allow me to have body acceptance as long as I have a butt and gut that exceeds the current societal norms for beauty.
I hate that I can still cycle at length but that running or long walking tends to trigger muscle spasms in my back and hip.
I hate that the core work I need such as crunches and push-ups also triggers these spasms and therefore can keep me from doing further exercise until the pain alleviates.
However, the self-hatred I would like to talk about today involves keratin. Specifically the keratin covering part of my fingers. Yes, I would like to offer a hearty fuck you to my fucking finger nails. As some of you know, I generally keep my nails done in acryllics. This is a plastic tip glued onto the top of the nail (i.e. a more grown up version of the old Lee Press-on Nail) and then an acryllic paste is painted onto it creating a fake nail which is then filed, buffed and polished to perfection creating what I call "goddess nails."
About a month ago, Tina, the artiste who creates my goddess nails brought to my attention that I had developed an infection under one of my nails, the ring finger of my right hand. She basically had to carefully cut off about two thirds of the nail in a v-pattern, let the pus run out and apply some kind of Chinese ointment. Yes, you may all indulge in a chorus of EWWWWWWW!
Since I now had one naked, nearly missing nail, there was no point keeping a set of acryllics on the rest of them and so I've been keeping my nails short and manicured with clear polish while waiting for the other nail to grow back. But the thing I hate....HATEHATEHATE about my body is that it somehow cannot produce the keratin in way to allow me to grow my nails. AT ALL. I have to get them cut and filed down because the minute I get a fraction of growth on there, it breaks and chips and splits, sometimes causing more excruciating pain.
Along with the keratin based stuff growing out of my head, which I continue to keep dying in an effort to fend off its true color and the encroaching grayness, I hate these short, stubby, ugly, broken nails so much.
The infection is completely over and the nail IS growing back, it's just doing it unbelievably slowly and it may be at least two more weeks if not longer until I can get a new set of acryllics and not hate the sight of my hands again.
And please---do not say the word "gelatin." Just don't.