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I hate my body



I hate the fact that my body is genetically pre-disposed to creating fat cells and storing large amounts of "energy" in them.
I hate that I have no sanity when it comes to dealing with fat and/or sugar and especially the combination of fat and sugar. One is too many and a thousand never enough.
I hate that I have the mental programming that will never really allow me to have body acceptance as long as I have a butt and gut that exceeds the current societal norms for beauty.
I hate that I can still cycle at length but that running or long walking tends to trigger muscle spasms in my back and hip.
I hate that the core work I need such as crunches and push-ups also triggers these spasms and therefore can keep me from doing further exercise until the pain alleviates.

However, the self-hatred I would like to talk about today involves keratin. Specifically the keratin covering part of my fingers. Yes, I would like to offer a hearty fuck you to my fucking finger nails. As some of you know, I generally keep my nails done in acryllics. This is a plastic tip glued onto the top of the nail (i.e. a more grown up version of the old Lee Press-on Nail) and then an acryllic paste is painted onto it creating a fake nail which is then filed, buffed and polished to perfection creating what I call "goddess nails."

About a month ago, Tina, the artiste who creates my goddess nails brought to my attention that I had developed an infection under one of my nails, the ring finger of my right hand. She basically had to carefully cut off about two thirds of the nail in a v-pattern, let the pus run out and apply some kind of Chinese ointment. Yes, you may all indulge in a chorus of EWWWWWWW!

Since I now had one naked, nearly missing nail, there was no point keeping a set of acryllics on the rest of them and so I've been keeping my nails short and manicured with clear polish while waiting for the other nail to grow back. But the thing I hate....HATEHATEHATE about my body is that it somehow cannot produce the keratin in way to allow me to grow my nails. AT ALL. I have to get them cut and filed down because the minute I get a fraction of growth on there, it breaks and chips and splits, sometimes causing more excruciating pain.

Along with the keratin based stuff growing out of my head, which I continue to keep dying in an effort to fend off its true color and the encroaching grayness, I hate these short, stubby, ugly, broken nails so much.

The infection is completely over and the nail IS growing back, it's just doing it unbelievably slowly and it may be at least two more weeks if not longer until I can get a new set of acryllics and not hate the sight of my hands again.

And please---do not say the word "gelatin." Just don't.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
cuddyclothes
May. 11th, 2013 10:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, man, that sucks. In recent years my nails have been snagging and breaking, which they never did before. My nails were so hard I occasionally injured myself when my thumbnail went into my palm. Is it an aging thing?

As for the muscle spasms, what about taking something like Aleve or ibuprofen before your workouts?
karaokegal
May. 12th, 2013 09:08 pm (UTC)
The ibuprofen does give some relief, but I have to take it with at least a protein shake and I usually lie to work out before I eat. After about a week, the pain exceeds Ibuprofen's ability to do anything and I have just stop for awhile.

I've NEVER had good nails which is why I've used silk wraps or acryllics for nearly 20 years. The downside being that while the silk or acryllis is over the nail, there's no way for it get strong. Whenever I lose a tip, what's underneath is paper thin.
rose_cat
May. 12th, 2013 01:25 am (UTC)
My deepest sympathies (and empathies on some points) for your entire first paragraph :(

My nails aren't so hot either. They've always broken before they get to a decent length. I finally gave up and kept them short. Constant gardening and occasional animal handling (especially cat scruffing) are good excuses, anyway.

Your nails always look gorgeous in the pictures you post, though. And, EWWWWWWWWWW! (Do artificial nails make the nail beds more susceptible to infection, or is it just harder to spot one?) Hopefully you'll soon be able to elevate your nails back to goddess level :)

But...what have you got against Jell-O? :D
karaokegal
May. 12th, 2013 09:12 pm (UTC)
Does anyone really like Jell-o? I might mix up a batch and eat a few bites, but the rest is just going to sit quivering in the fridge until it turns into a solid block of something stronger than anything that will ever grow on my fingers.

I just had another cut down and smooth, but it's really taking time for that nail to grow in. When she diagnosed the infection Tina seemed to think it had happened from my doing something which caused a bruise under the nail which then became an infection. She spotted it immediate even when there was still a tip over the nail I think.
filthgoblin
May. 12th, 2013 11:24 am (UTC)
I hear ya on all of the above, including the nails thing. Mine are pathetically weak and feeble, as well as having really short nailbeds due to a childhood of biting and sidewalls that are totally shot for the same reason. As soon as mine get past about 2mm length past the end of the nail bed (which is still a good 5mm below the tip of my fingers) they start to flake and split. And when they do grow, they're rippled and ridged and curve upwards rather than over the end of my fingers and aaaaaargh!

I've been having a problem with my skin recently, something I put down to stress and cold bugs, and I'm gradually learning to accept and welcome the healing process as the painful lumps and outright holes in my face get back to health but it's not a linear process. I'm an habitual skin picker, so it's very hard to keep my hands away from my face and see the healing as a natural process and not something that needs to be done now now now.

As for gelatin, I'm pretty sure that's a myth.
karaokegal
May. 12th, 2013 09:14 pm (UTC)
You'll probably see my nails in their current naked state when you see me next week as that one nail is not remotely grown back enough to sustain an acryllic tip.

I wonder when nail beauty became one of the metrics for being "put together" and attractive.
cookielaura
May. 14th, 2013 12:49 am (UTC)
:( Sorry about the nail saga! At least your artiste spotted it straight away! Hope it starts growing back a bit quicker. If it helps, I admire anyone who is put-together enough to keep regular nail appointments anyway so you're one step ahead of me there!
karaokegal
May. 14th, 2013 01:36 am (UTC)
It helps that the nail place is literally two doors down from the front door of my apartment building.
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