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Make yourself a dang quesadilla!

I'm one of the few people on the planet who doesn't find Napoleon Dynamite to be remotely funny, but that line does stick with me. Obviously since I live in Mission District, I did not have to make my own dang or gosh-darn anything.

So let's talk in detail about how the crazy lady ate her first quesadilla in MONTHS: Mindfully.

We're back in Geneen Roth territory now.

Here are her guidelines:

Eat when you are hungry.

Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.

Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.

Eat what your body wants.

Eat until you are satisfied.

Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.

Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

It all sounds simple and practical, but some of this is very painful for me, and for many others or there wouldn't need to be guidelines. Eating "real" food, i.e. stuff that tastes good and is full of cheesy, sugary, delicious calories, as opposed to weighed and measured "healthy" rabbit food is FRAUGHT with all the shame and anxiety inculcated in me as long as I can remember because of my father's food and body issues. The man who loved me so much fucked me up so badly with this stuff.

So the normal way I would "enjoy" the awesome mushroom-garlic quesadilla made by El Toro on the corner of Valencia and 17th, would be to get it home and inhale it as quickly as possible, eating with my fingers and hiding all evidence afterwords. I never got into purging, but only because (much like smoking) I could never get the hang of it, so then I'd be left with my bloated, greasy self hatred.

Yesterday, I went to El Toro, ordered the quesadilla for there, and proceeded to sit down and it, slowly with a knife and fork. I ate as mindfully as I could, concentrating on every bite and trying not to bolt any of it down.

Let me tell you, I fucking hate this bullshit. I want to bolt my food. I want to get as much it into my gut as quickly as possible and I want to read while I'm doing it so that I don't have to be conscious of what I'm doing.

Stop when you're satisfied, as opposed to full, also sucks...hey, that's my FOOD! I paid for it. I get to shove every bit of it down my gullet.

But I did it. I even brought a piece of fruit with me to eat afterwards to shut down the grease pit and signal to my mouth that the splurge is over.

I worked to the extent that I enjoyed the quesadilla, didn't get stuffed and was able to leave a little on the plate.

Then I went home and took a nap. When I woke up I had some fruit and veggie and stayed on track for rest of the day. So thus far, the splurge hasn't triggered a dumpster dive.

Hubby is being pissy because I announced that instead of seeing 135 as a goal weight, I now want it to be 131, for a total 60 lb drop.

I'll get some input from my GP tomorrow, but I'm basically terrified of having to "stop" and try to maintain a lost instead of continuing it.

I'm looking at the following options. Taking on a second splurge meal a week---which would mean two days where I'm not counting calories, and five where I am. Going back to writing things down, but not actually counting calories, although I've memorized most of the things I eat regularly so my brain is going to know. Go from a weekly scale encounter to every other week and possibly once a month.

If anyone has any thoughts...preferably people who have actually accomplished it, please let me know. Every time someone brings up maintenance, I just want to quote Dylan: He not busy being born is busy dying.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 27th, 2014 09:17 pm (UTC)
Maintenance is more work than losing, and less satisfying. It's hard to crow, "I stayed at 136 pounds!" when it's been weeks and everyone else says, "So?". Losing weight gets so much more attention and approbation. There's no big prize at the end, you've won the big prize. Maintenance is possible, particularly the way you've done it. You might want to shoot for 131 and then let it go back up to 136. One key is to have your weight where you can maintain with it being painful. I would get mine artificially low and then starve to keep the weight off. Now that I'm eating normally (more or less) the pounds are coming off slowly (i.e. I want to scream) but they won't pile back on because of enormous needy binges. Unless that's what I do.

Congratulations on the quesadilla! Last night I congratulated myself on eating two cookies, rather than the entire open box.
Mar. 28th, 2014 04:00 am (UTC)
Losing weight gets so much more attention and approbation.

YES! This. So much this. I just realized that I've going out of my way to see people who haven't seen me for awhile, just to get the rush of "OMG, you're so thin!"

Thanks for this insight. I'm still not sure what "sustainable" is for me, but I intend to find a way.
Mar. 27th, 2014 11:57 pm (UTC)
I don't find Napoleon dynamite funny either... In fact I find it cringe worthy.

I find I have to give myself a range of 3-5 pounds I aim for or else I get totally unhealthily fixated on one number and we all know there are a million reasons to be up or down a pound or two every week. </p>

Good to you for being a conscious eater. I send an electronic hug.

Mar. 28th, 2014 04:04 am (UTC)
Thanks sweetie. I've NEVER gotten to anything resembling "goal weight" before so this is very much new territory and I'm negotiating it one day at a time.
Mar. 28th, 2014 04:52 am (UTC)
Congrats at being on goal and getting medical advice bout it. I see too many people lose a lot of weight then keep going until they are unhealthy with little physician oversight.

I think reading the findings from the Weight control registry is interesting and the journal articles are as well: http://www.nwcr.ws/Research/default.htm


When I worked in adult weight loss research we talked about the registry and it's findings quite a bit.

(this seems particularly relevant: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18198319?ordinalpos=2&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum )

Edited at 2014-03-28 04:58 am (UTC)
Mar. 29th, 2014 02:46 am (UTC)
Good info. Serious hunger pangs and sugar cravings today. Should NOT have had an Odwalla shake. Two many calories and too much sugar and not enough volume to warrant it.
Mar. 28th, 2014 10:03 pm (UTC)
I'm the only person on the planet who doesn't give a flying rat's ass about Neil Patrick Harris so I hear you even though i love Napoleon Dynamite. (on top of that I can't stomach Harry Potter because of that muggle shit sounding like the N word to me. A lot of my friends fucking love Harry Potter)
Mar. 29th, 2014 02:45 am (UTC)
Well, it's not quite as charged as "mudblood" but to Voldemort et al, it's certainly a racial epithet, so you're not wrong. I'm not particularly in NPH as himself but he is important as a prominent out-out-of-the closet gay actor, with popular success. As for Napoleon Dynamite:
De gustibus non est disputandum.
Mar. 30th, 2014 12:42 am (UTC)
Stephen Fry, Ian McKellen (sp?) and George Takei are way cooler IMHO.
Mar. 30th, 2014 07:56 pm (UTC)
jumping stephen
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )



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