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Everything hurts!

Body and soul.
The heatwave isn't helping. It was nice and then it went from nice to UGH, just at the same time I had a scale encounter than I shouldn't have followed by a binge and now I wish I were dead.

Here are some things I hate about binging.


Pain.
The moment when your mouth stops enjoying the taste and you know it's stopped, but you can't stop shoveling.
Hot shits.
Constipation.
Self-hatred.
Sugar hangovers.
The moment you find a "perfect food" and it's too late because you've stuffed on something imperfect and bought something else.
Spending money on food that you realize you can't eat, because you're too sick to eat more or it's not going to get eaten in time.
Running out of binergy before you can shovel all the food you want to.
Throwing food out because it's almost midnight and if I'm still eating at 1201A, the binge will go into the next day and that MUST NOT HAPPEN.
Throwing food out so hubby will not know I've been binging.
Talking to hubby while I'm "sugar drunk" and I know I sound like a fucking junkie and I'm obliquely telling him I'm binging in such a way that I know he won't understand.
Being out in the world and looking AMAZING because it's a heatwave and the bartenders at the Mint haven't seen you "unlayered" in months and now they're all, OMG, you look great, but you feel like shit cos you're binging and shoveling Jelly Bellys while acting all modest and golly gee, and thanks.

Waking up with every single fiber of your being in physical and psychic pain.
Detox.
Waiting to feel physical hunger again, so you can get back on the wagon with "clean" food.
Too much pain to get back to the gym, so you have to live with the gross corpulent revulsion of what you've done to yourself.

Having to function at work with self-hatred, sugar hangover etc.

ETA: FUCKING UP AT WORK BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKED UP ON SUGAR AND WAY MORE INTERESTED IN BINGING THAN SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO

Did I mention I wish I were dead?
And Oh yeah, it's my performance review day. Bwhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhhaahahahah

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
tourmaline1973
May. 15th, 2014 06:08 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you're not dead & that you & your awesomeness are here ♥ *hugs* I hope everything un-hurts for you soon and that you can be happy the way you make us happy.

Edited at 2014-05-15 06:10 pm (UTC)
karaokegal
May. 15th, 2014 06:20 pm (UTC)
Sorry for the hyperbole, but it's such a horrible feeling, and the fact that I can behave so self-destructively is just utterly depressing and demoralizing, especially because it speaks to my need to do the steps again or SOMETHING and I'm not sure I want to make that commitment.
cuddyclothes
May. 15th, 2014 07:10 pm (UTC)
Binge happens. I could identify with every single word in your post. Once in a while, the train goes off the tracks and there you are, stuffing your face and hating yourself. AND sneaking food. I've been there and I will probably be there again.

Since we have to eat, it's not as if we can cut it out completely. Please forgive yourself, and let yourself move on. And fight the urge to binge. Feel free to call me! You've gone this far, this is probably also a reaction to hitting your goal weight. The anxiety will subside, I promise. I tend to eat when people compliment me on losing weight. I'm not a binge eater, per se, but I can manage a LOT of peanut butter in a short time!
karaokegal
May. 15th, 2014 08:07 pm (UTC)
Luckily Peanut Butter isn't a binge food for me at this point because I do have the "1 tablespoon" thing going on and I can eat a tablespoon and stop. At this point it's the "can't stop" stuff that I mentally save for the binges and then go so over the top I end up hating them...until next time. You know the drill. Yeah it was a major anxiety build up and....I just had the first clean meal of the day and I'm feeling a little better. I think the real "Trigger" as if I need one, was trying the cocoanut milk as an AM option and having it be really yucky---even with honey...and that just pushed me over into, NEED SWEET land. Or I'm a crazy addict and this is what I do.

I asked Peggy to give me a writing assignment, but she got slightly judgemental with me like, "If you want to work the steps, we have to do it this way..." and I'm feeling pissy with her right now. Which since she's basically one of my few sanity tethers is NOT a good thing.

Edited at 2014-05-15 08:07 pm (UTC)
srsly_yes
May. 16th, 2014 01:28 am (UTC)
As Cuddyclothes said, "Binge happens." Been there, sorry doll. Happy to hear you had a clean meal. That's what's important.
karaokegal
May. 16th, 2014 01:32 am (UTC)
Yeah, as much as you're caught up in the crazy while it's happening, when it's over, it's definitely over. I know the cycle is starting again, but right now I'm ok. The next thing is to get to and through Bay to Breakers. Unfortunately that means my next Hubby brunch has to be the quinoa instead of the pancakes, but I really think the pancakes (or the french toast or any other splurgy goodness) is really the mental unlatching that leads to binge a few days or even weeks later.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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