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Physical limitations

1. So apparently I do have fibroids. Not sure how many, how big, or what I'm supposed to do about them. I suspect it's time to come off the birth control pills and accept that I really am 50 years old.

2. I've followed up a month of writing about my father by launching into a month of writing about an even more emotionally destruction relationship: the scale. Yesterday I had the epiphany that if I stick to paleo/just eat real food/don't binge/no gluten/no grains etc. I won't gain much weight, but unless I go back to heavy calorie restriction, I'm not going to lose much either.

This is probably what my body is going to be like. It's better than my high bottom of 191, but it's not ever going to be waif-like, sub-130 of my father's or my dreams. Even if I did go back to the stupidity of low-fat, calorie counting etc. it's possible I've broken my metabolism so badly with yo-yo dieting that I might not lose it all again anyway.

I'm not sure I can accept it.

3. I'm still not great at Yoga, but I've really felt like I was making progress. Today, Astrud was subbing for Minerva and teaching what felt like a pretty gentle class, and then she just threw in this asana that my legs couldn't do. It just wasn't going to happen and the more she tried to help me adjust the worse it got. Very discouraging. I'm not giving up. I love my yoga and my kirtan and meditation, but it's depressing to hit a physical wall like that.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
athenais
Dec. 9th, 2014 12:55 am (UTC)
Please allow me to say with all respect and understanding that where you are now is a very good weight. You will never, ever be "skinny" again unless you're ill. But you can be healthy and fit and look good in your clothes. Which you are and do. Team Sensible Eating!
karaokegal
Dec. 9th, 2014 07:22 am (UTC)
Rational mind K-gal KNOWS this is pretty good given my age, genetics and how bad things had gotten. Apparently one reason the fibroids turned up now is that last time around she didn't feel them because of the fat I was carrying. But as a month of Daddy writing and now this work on my scale obsession has revealed, there's a lot of layers and voices affecting my emotions on the matter and "logic" isn't getting a lot of traction.
cuddyclothes
Dec. 9th, 2014 03:12 am (UTC)
You have achieved so much, and you have no idea what an inspiration you are to me. So many women over 40 let their bodies go to shit. You've gone in the opposite direction and from the pics you've posted, you look great.

Have you ever seen middle-aged "waifs" in real life? NOT pretty, I assure you!

As far as yoga goes...progress, not perfection. ;)
karaokegal
Dec. 9th, 2014 07:24 am (UTC)
If nothing else I'm terrified by my genetic predisposition coming from both sides.
abbysiuta
Dec. 9th, 2014 03:39 am (UTC)
You are fabulous' dedicated, and inspiring. All of those are better than waif-like by 1,000 times.
karaokegal
Dec. 9th, 2014 07:24 am (UTC)
The old programming dies hard.
lizziebuffy2008
Dec. 9th, 2014 04:55 pm (UTC)
I am sorry about the fibroids; are they caused by the pill?

Battling your's and society's ideal of what the scale should say is a very hard thing to do. I manage some days, but not most...you just have to keep up with being healthy and positive thoughts.

What asana was it that you had trouble with?
karaokegal
Dec. 9th, 2014 06:30 pm (UTC)
It was a seated twist with crossed legs. I've barely managed the usual seated spinal twist, but I have problems getting both legs bent at the same time. Pigeon pose is a near impossibility.

I have no idea where the stupid fibroids come from. Some people say being on the pill should make them go away. I may have had them for awhile, but my doctor didn't feel them until I lost a lot of weight.

Part of me still hopes I can lean out the body if I get the exercise component right, so that the number on the scale won't matter if I can eradicate the pooch.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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