karaokegal (karaokegal) wrote,

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Please, brain, STOP DOING THIS TO ME!

I turn off my computer and lie down last night to sleep, and suddenly got a jolt of adrenaline inducing "oh my god, did I make sure Annoying Client got re-ticketed before I left the office?"

I'm sure I did, but I've had so many screw-ups recently, and I'm in diet mode, so my blood-sugar is always a bit wonky. In other words, no way to be sure. I got up, got on-line and got the flight number from the airline website, called the airline and had them tell me there was definitely a ticket number in place for the new flight booking. WHEW!

And the minute I put down the phone, I started thinking they were wrong, they were looking at the old ticket #, why didn't I get a ticket #, etc etc. Then I went back to bed and spent at least an hour thinking about the possible bad outcomes of him not being ticketing, following by the various permutations and bad outcomes of all the other crap that's currently pending and looming over me, including the $3000.00 missed refund which still hasn't been resolved or even MENTIONED to anyone in the LAW FIRM.

I know you're all sick of hearing this crap. I'm sick of experiencing this crap. I know it's not really going to stop. I've never been the super-effecient, detail-oriented person who is good at this job and doesn't live in a state of constant disaster and at 48, it's not like my brain is suddenly going to transform me into that person, but more likely things can only get worse.

I want to get out. I want to walk away and start walking dogs or offering my editing skills on Craig's List, or find some way to earn money without having to do this and go through this. BUT....I'd feel guilty abandoning my co-worker Steve, in spite of the fact that he recently interviewed for a different account in the company, which would have essentially meant he was abandoning me. (He didn't get it.)

The other reasons that are keeping me in place are fear of change, fear of not making enough money for rent and life-style, fear of lack of health insurance (which is hilarious, since they put us in a position of either doubling our contribution or going on a HSA with a MASSIVE deductible) and just fear of having to make a decision.

So basically I'm in terror of all the shit hitting the fan and my getting fired, but I'm desperate to get fired so that I don't have to make the decision. The problem is that what happens is I screw up and either get chewed out, which I HATE or don't get chewed out and have to sit with more self-hatred and anxiety and
fear that the NEXT one will be the breaking point.

How ditzy am I these days? Before I went on vacation two weeks ago, I changed my Windows password and work and failed to write it down....and when I came in a week later, I could not remember it to save my life. Had to get IT to reset for me. THEN, yesterday I changed my Sabre password so they'd match....only I didn't notice that the password was too long for sabre, so that SOME variation on it is the new password, but I can't figure out what, AND I got completely locked out just before I left.

Side note---Tuesday, I was supposed to go to the free preview of Les Miz with Frank, only he got there a few minutes too late and by the time we got to the front of the line, the seats were gone. So we mooched around the mall for a bit and then I went home. I made myself some chicken and veggies and settled down to work on my Yuletide fic, only to get a call from Psycho-sis, who had locked herself out of her apartment and was sitting in her hallway.

This means I had to get in a cab, go to Hubby's workplace to get her keys, go to her apartment bulding and rescue her and come back home. I was really pissed and massively put out by this....BUT hardly in a position to complain about her stupidity factor under the circumstances.
Tags: blog, journal, whinging, work

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