karaokegal (karaokegal) wrote,

Let Love Be Your Energy-cos I don't have any.

Not for fandom. Not any more. At least for right now. In "I'm The One That I Want," Margaret Cho says: For me to be ten pounds thinner is a full-time job, and I am handing in my notice and walking out the door!!

For the last 8 years or so, pretty much from the moment I finished watching "Damned If You Do" and googled House/Wilson slash and ended up at house_slash,my 2nd job was fandom. House MD, Torchwood, Spooks, etc. and all the love, friendship, joy, pain, anger, revulsion, ship-warring, ship-war winning, wanking and abuse that came with it. I wrote and wrote and wrote, and LIVED, BREATHED, OBSESSED, LOVED and HATED FANDOM. That was my life, my job, my soul. A second job, a second marriage.

I just don't have the energy any more. House ended up betraying me in a way that nothing and no one has since Tony Blair. I was right about Torchwood and Miracle Day proved it, so I have accepted the surrender. Nothing new has inspired the same level of passion, and even though I've tried to fake it with a few, apparently I'm not as good an actress in that department as I once was.

Arrow, in the name of Barrow-mania/Barrowstanning was my last stand and I don't want to die on that hill anymore.

Most important, I willingly accepted the other job. I saw my genetic destiny in June in the form of my rather grossly obese mother and saw it again in August when my Grandmother died. She'd been a wonderful, vibrant, energetic woman who danced all over the world and then basically stopped moving and became an immobile, dementia-ridden shell.

So since June, the energy, the passion, has been the full-time job of getting my ass on the bike, on the road and in the gym and more-or-less completely giving up every single good-tasting food that had me looking like a fat cow. I'm down 40 lbs. I did 20 push-ups this morning after riding over 10 miles. My goal for New Year's Day is to run/walk/run 10 miles.

I don't care about fandom anymore. I care about making my 5'3" carcass comport to both societal standards for beauty and preventing myself from dying from the disease that killed my father (both the obesity and the self-hatred that comes with it.)

The death of LJ comment culture hasn't helped. The gratification that came with those comments was the ultimate addiction, but it also helped keep me in torpor and lethargy. So I both mourn that death and welcome it.

There are a few fannish tasks that my increasingly OCD-like mind insists I finish. The 100 TV Shows Meme WILL be finished and the cross posting and referencing of ALL my fic to LJ, DW, A03, FF.NET and Teaspoon (where applicable) will go on. I originally started that project in order to have a complete reference for Remix, which of course seems to have gone the way of all flesh, but I just need to know it's all there and that people can find it. Yes, including the 2010 drabbles, so a big muahahahahahahahah to the Drabble-haters.

There's also just one more Who-verse story lying up my sleeve. The one that will hopefully probably piss off anybody I haven't alienated yet. I'm very much looking forward to Peter Capaldi's Doctor. Because I loves me some Peter Capaldi.

Over at Tumblr, I'm posting lots of Barrowman, Ferry, Dominic West and PUPPPPPPIIIIIEEEEES! Come follow me there: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/karaokegal

I'm nearly up to 500 and I'd love to get that in 2014.

Most of the rest of my goals are fitness related:

Reducing my times on run/walk/run mile and bicycle 10 miles. I'm TRYING for 15 minute miles on foot and one hour for 10 miles on the bike.
Complete one Half Marathon
Get to 140 pounds.
Be able to wear the size 13 low riders without feeling or looking like a stuffed sausage.
I'm starting to actually count calories again, rather than just track portions. I'm hoping this isn't going to trigger a "backlash binge" but I feel like I need total accountability to get that last ten pounds off.

I'll still be here, following my F-list and posting when I think I have something to say. I have a MASSIVE back-log of fic that I have every intention (however delusional) of getting through.

But basically, when it comes to fandom, for the time being I'm a burn-out case. Right now it's just more important for me to get to the gym, than to get to LJ.

I wish you all a joyous and safe New Years!
Tags: blog, exercise, fandom, fanfic, journal, personal

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