karaokegal (karaokegal) wrote,

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Shit's getting real! (Long post-somewhat rambly)

You are not a dog, stop rewarding yourself with food.

I got the above quote from lozenger8 who is currently on a similar journey and has been a source of inspiration to me. The quote was from one her colleagues, who said his best friend had it on a sign on his fridge. It resonated SO MUCH, and has become one my mantras. Because it's so easy to fall into the trap, of saying if I get to such a weight or do this much exercise or fit into such a size...THEN....THEN I can have....chocolate, or cheese or ice-cream or whatever it is I'm feeling particularly self-pitying about that day. But no...someday I MIGHT be able to have some of those things, but the programming that hitting any particular goal will magically transform into a person who can take the first bite and stop....BULLSHIT.


I was at the gym yesterday, literally in a side-plank when the fire alarm went off and they made us vacate the building for what turned out to be no-good reason whatsoever. I was already a bit cranky because it rained yesterday and I didn't feel safe to be on the bicycle, so I took BART and I was running late and I'd misplaced my security card and a lot of blah-blah-blah. All I really had time for was push-ups, foam roller and abs and due to the fire alarm not even that much abs. HOWEVER...on the way down the stairs a woman who I swear I had never seen before in my life, said to me, "You look like you've lost a lot of weight." I mean there are various ladies at the gym that I do recognize and nod at coming and going, including this one Asian lady who is my buff, chiseled fitsperation, but I honestly do not remember ever seeing this one. And yet she clearly saw me. Made my day, but didn't help find my security card, which turned up JUST before I was leaving the office in a spot, I'm completely sure I'd checked three or four times already.

Today I hit the gym early and BOMBED those motherfucking abs and hit the triceps hard just for good measure. Fuck you, bingo-wings a/k/a Grandma arms.


Never mind random gym ladies, according to both Yanni and Sebastian, Jay one of the straight bartenders at the Mint has on two separate occasions taken note of my weight-loss. This is where things get scary. Gym ladies, gay men, fine! One expects that, sort of. Straight men? That's a whole other ball of expectations and fat girl fears and fucked up programming and social anxiety right there, that is.


I'm down to three pairs of pants. (That's jeans/trousers for my British friends. Panties/knickers, I have plenty of.) I took out a bag of size 14's and most of the 12's and a pair of sandals that had never caused me anything but pain, and left them on the corner, from whence they effectively disappeared. I hope those clown pants are fitting well on someone who needs them. OK, I lied. I kept one pair of Gloria Vanderbilt 14's because they are just SO broken in and comfy, but they are clown pants and if I lose any more inches, they'll have go anyway. I've had most of these pants for over 10 years, some maybe longer as I've gained and lost weight over the years. Getting too small for all of them and letting go was strangely sad.

More crucial, I was able to wash a pair of Black GV denim 12's and still get back into them. It should be noted that the last time this pair of jeans went into the laundry they immediately went from "fitting if I don't breathe" to "not getting around my fat ass, no way, no how." Said jeans are now residing quite comfortably around my ass, hips and waist, with plenty of room to spare. They are not clowny yet, but they are roomy.

I recently found out that the Dress Barn on Montgomery, where I bought years of increasing sizes and various ugly but wearable garments is no more. As is Mervyn's or a Sears in the actual city of San Francisco. Or even a JC Penney's. I don't know where I'm going to get new pants when the time comes, which is soon. I want my GV's damn it. I love you Gloria. Alone of the 80's "designer" jeans craze, the Vanderbilts were the only ones that ever really worked for me.

I may attempt some thrift-store/vintage shopping soon, so that I'm at least not investing that much in the garment. Or maybe Old Navy? I don't know. I don't WANT to go shopping. I really do not have the girly-girl shopping gene. I want a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt's in a perfect size to magically appear on my doorstep. That's not too much to ask is it?


So, if I can't reward myself with food and I don't like shopping for clothes....what do I have? Aside from those Bryan Ferry concert tickets, I mean. (SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE-BRYAN FERRRRRRRRRY!!!!)

Let's get back to that whole "OMG! The straight bartender noticed me" thing.

This may be a bit Cis-Het/Binary centric, but that's who/what I am/know.

Call it "Taking back our femininity."

I know there are Big Beautiful Woman who can carry their weight and still be gorgeous, sexy, pretty dress, make-up wearing creatures. Not so much for yours truly. And since I'm sort of invisible in my work environment, I've been able to get away with it. Because I didn't give a shit, and I felt fat and ugly and why bother? I couldn't even wear a bra for more than a few hours without it being incredibly uncomfortable and that's one with an extender to get around my back-flab.

I had my flaming tresses and goddess nails, but I'd still schlump around in baggies, sometimes keep my sweats on all day, barely bother to brush my hair etc etc.

When I did a 30 mile bike ride a few weeks ago, I then rode over to Powell Street and bought myself two rewards: Season 2 of the Wire from Rasputin Records and a Givenchy Black Eyeliner from Sephora. (I wanted Benefit Bad Girl, but they didn't have it. BASTARDS!)

Thanks to a birthday package from BFF Jen, I recently acquired some really nice shirts and I've taken to regularly wearing the rather form-fitting black size 13, low riders, which were sort of the "last frontier" of pants I'd never be able to get into. THAT'S when Jay the straight bartender took notice.

I've even starting wearing a bra more days and more hours than not. I can actually get through an 8 hour work day without it making my life a misery, so why not?

The biggie was getting a pair of high-heels, something I haven't done in literally years. The office holiday brunch that I mentioned in a earlier post required some serious larching up, so the shoes/bra/eyeliner and a shirt-dress that I'd bought at Dress Barn in the spring, which would have made me look like I was giving birth to a watermelon had I worn it then, all made an appearance.

The shoes are a specific act of hope and faith that I will soon need them for a job interview, but I'll expand on that in a different post. Maybe.


Last and for many of you least...I've been putting some dates on the calender, including a Half Marathon. I've been saying I wanted to try for one this year, but been dicking around over whether I'd be able to do it and the fact that they've gotten really expensive. Then I get the Pre-Sale announcement for The Giant Race, with a discounted race and a flat course that I've done before. It's in September and the cause is just. No more excuses. September 7. We're going. I'm probably going to try to fund-raise for that and skip Race For The Cure this year. Equally good cause, but for personal reasons I'd rather focus on longer distances right now.

I'm also trying to space them out a bit because a Sunday race basically takes me away from Hubby for most of a day if I also go to the Mint in the afternoon and I'd rather not do that to him two months in a row. He's been really great about all this, so he deserves some consideration.

Here's my run schedule for 2014: (Any of my Bay Area friends are welcome to join me. I'm so slow, you'll probably whip my butt and beat me across the line by 1/2 hour.)

March 16
Emerald Across the Bay 12K
Assuming they ever get registration open. I used to do this one during the last years that it was Houlihans to Houlihans, and the first two years that it was Emerald Nuts. This is an EXTREMELY GNARLY hill involved to get from Sausalito up to the Golden Gate Bridge. I have history with that hill.

If Rhodyco doesn't get their shit together, I'll do Presidio 10. (The 10K NOT the 10 miles.)

May 18
Bay To Breakers
A Classic. I did this for years, but sort of burned out on the cluster-fuck aspect and the general cray-cray and the hassle of getting home and the fact that it was getting really expensive. But I was able to get in on a pre-sale back on Halloween for $31.00, so yeah, I'm back baby!

Then the BIGGIE!
September 7
The Giant Race
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. Actually, I'm not worried about the distance so much as the time. Hopefully my reduced carcass can get it done a little faster than the ones I've finished in the past.

November 9
Mermaid Run

I wanted to do one these last year, but wasn't in ANY kind of shape at all. If I've done the 1/2 in September, I should be able to do the 10 miles, but might go for the 10K, just so I'm not the last one in. (Next to last, maybe.)

November 27

San Francisco Turkey Trot
I had fun with this last year, and the wool hat I got has become a bit of running and biking talisman. They were having a 9.00 pre-sale. Who could resist?

December 4, 2015
Run Wild
Ivan and I have been doing this since it was "Race To The Far Side" and Gary Larson would donate a cartoon for the shirt every year. Back then it was in Golden Gate Park and the money was for the Academy of Science renovation. Now it's Toys for Tots and we all wear Santa Hats. Adorable.
So don't pussy out of me....Ivan or Rhodyco. Get your shit together.


And oh yeah----Somewhere in there, this year, I am going to try for a 1/2 Century (or less) bike ride. So far I haven't found one in my area but last year the Guardsmen had one in October and I'm hoping that will happen again. I'm up to 30 miles on my trusty Public Bike steed and I truly believe I can make it up to 50 eventually.

That's it for now.
WHEW! Thanks to reading/listening/putting up with this drivel. Love you all.


ETA-Going with the Presidio 10-K in April. They sent me a discount code and who knows if Rhodyco is going to get their shit together? Gives me an extra month to get ready. Yeah, it'll be two months with runs in row...I'll make it up to Hubby some other way.
Tags: bicycle, blog, diet, exercise, food, journal, running


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