karaokegal (karaokegal) wrote,

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Ultra-sound day! (OH JOY!)

I've been to yoga and chanted some Kirtan. I've got my figurine of Ganesha ready to go with me and I'm asking him to remove obstacles.

Mind you, I'm absolutely sure there is NOTHING wrong me. I don't even think there are any fibroids to be found, but I'm afraid the doctor will cut my birth control pills off if I don't get the Ultra-sound and I dug up some old HSIA $$ to pay for it, so here we go. HOWEVER, if there is something wrong, even if it's just fibroids, I don't have any time to deal with it. There is not going to be PTO for the rest of the year and I may have to work on some of my scheduled "weekends" at least until we get the two new people trained and working, which is not going to be until January at the earliest.

As I may have mentioned, two of my co-workers find it HILARIOUS that I'm still on birth control pills at my advanced age, but the single greatest terror my life is getting pregnant. (Second only to being fat and obviously there's some connection there.)

On top of everything else, I've been spotting the last few days. I've been on the pills since I was at least 18 and this hasn't happened before. Not happy. Especially since I also know that if there are fibroids, they might be pill-related.

Speaking of fat...I got on the scale yesterday, which was STUPID, STUPID and more STUPID, especially doing it late in the day, after a day when I didn't binge, but it wasn't really hunger I was listening to either.

I'm fine. My size 10 uniform is really too big for me. I've thrown out all the size 8 Dockers and every other ugly pair of pants that even if I ever did get thin enough to really fit into it, would still be UGLY and make me feel not attractive. Thin does not equal healthy.

I just finished a month of writing about my father, especially how he relates to my self-esteem and body issues. The last day I wrote him a good-bye letter, 12 years after he left this world. I might have to spend just as much time writing about my scale issues and saying good-bye to it. I'm 99 days since my last binge and any/all sugar/gluten/grains/sweeteners/refined carbs etc. I got through an extremely stressful Saturday after Thanksgiving dealing with my Psychotic Sister-in-Law a/k/a "Psycho-sis," and that was the hardest day I've had in this recovery. I actually made OA calls. Which TBH, I hate doing. I'm still dicking around about getting a real sponsor, but I might just ask someone to "scale sponsor" me to keep off the miserable thing.

Today, I'm determined to at least wait for real hunger, instead of eating (even Paleo food) out of boredom, anger, annoyance, anxiety etc. I had a pineapple/raspberry smoothie at about 530A and then did the Yoga at 7A, so I should feel some really hunger soon.

Namaste, Y'all.
Tags: blog, diet, exercise, food, journal, personal, tmi

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