karaokegal (karaokegal) wrote,

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Personal post. Food, shame, OA stuff, possible triggering.

So this happened:

Goodbye nuts!
I really, really, really love eating nuts. The crunch and sweetness are one of the things I use to alleviate anxiety. In the past I’ve binged on bags of nuts. In this period of not binging, I’ve been eating them in a measured quantity and stopping when that quantity was done. (Pecans, cashews, macadamias, brazils, and sometimes walnuts and almonds. Peanuts are already off the table, because I don’t eat legumes.)


One of the Lounge rules is: NO EATING AT THE MSP DESK! I’ve been caught by my team leader on multiple occasions eating nuts at the MSP DESK. I’ve been warned about this and I’ve continued doing it, trying to eat when the team leader isn’t around, or trying to be sneaky when she is.

Today she saw me not only eating, but according to her, picking my teeth and then interacting with a Card Member and taking their card with the same hand. She emailed me later and said she was so shocked to see this that she had to compose herself before she could even deal with it. Clearly she takes this more seriously than my whole “losing the key” issue which was such a big drama for me to admit to. Keys she doesn’t care about, eating at the desk…that’s the one that’s going to bury me.
I’m extremely ashamed and humiliated, and I especially do not want to risk my job or get into one of my typical patterns of shame and blame and not being able to be honest with a female boss. I don’t want to get written up, but if I do, I have to accept that my Higher Power is trying to teach me something.

The obvious lesson is that I can’t handle nuts. They are part of the food-template I generally follow, but for me they are clearly a food I can’t be rational. If they are in my life, I will eat them at work, and I can’t eat them at work anymore. Also, they seem to make me stupid the way sugar does, because I don’t remember the tooth picking at all, but there’s no doubt in my mind that it happened….this is one reason I’m so upset by the whole thing.

I’ve been eating them, not out of hunger, but out of anxiety, or even fear of anxiety to come. In other words I’ve been trusting in nuts instead of my higher power. I’ve been holding onto the mouth feel of them, instead of really feeling whatever fears I have over a job I love, but which can be stressful.

I literally don’t know how I’m going to get through a shift without that cup of nuts, but I’m going to find out. I’m committing that not eating nuts is part of my abstinence. I will tell my sponsor in the morning that I’m not eating nuts today and confirm this the next day.

I honestly feel like crying, but I don’t know if it’s more about being caught fucking up, fear of losing my job, or depression over losing a comfort food that was “legal” with my food plan.
I’m really hoping I can make this go away by making sure I’m not eating the nuts, so there’s no getting caught and it won’t be an issue anymore, but I’m really worried that THIS is the one that will haunt me with the team leader and it’s the beginning of the end.
I need to sit with that fear and anxiety too….and not eat over it. WHICH I REALLY WANT TO. (Especially nuts.)

For the record, this is only about the whole nuts…I still eat nut butters, but only by the measured table spoon, and I use almond milk and coconut milk for my smoothies.

The following day, I went to my boss and apologized for disrespecting her by basically lying to her face and then going right on trying to get away with the behavior. She ended up hugging me, saying she loved me and that I shouldn't feel bad. (I was in tears at this point...that's always a good look in front of your boss.)

Without going into all the gory details, I told her I had a problem with food, that I taking steps (didn't actually there were 12 of them) to work on it and told it was now a matter of personal commitment and integrity that it wouldn't happen again.

Getting off the nuts has been excruciating. My disease has fought back hard with cravings, anxiety, and various sneaky addict thoughts. I think this is the first time I've actually been forced to WORK the program in this round of recovery. I made a lot of phone calls and I prayed, while I wanted nuts (or just to binge the pain away) so bad I felt like I was going to claw my skin off.

I have to commit my "no nuts," along with my exercise abstinence to my sponsor. (The joys of being an addict. Also need to get my ass in gear on that 2nd step.)

HOWEVER...I'm doing it...including having to work dreaded 5AM shift yesterday.
Tags: diet, food, journal, personal

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