karaokegal (karaokegal) wrote,
karaokegal
karaokegal

Closing out the Dialogue Meme

I originally posted the Dialogue Meme on January 8, requesting suggestions of pairings of characters from two different fandoms to have a conversations.

Here are the final results, cleaned up a bit where necessary. This was a totally fun meme to do and I'm really happy with how many of these turned out. Some might even be expanded into full-fledged stories. Others were absolute bitches to write.


Greg House/Jack McCoy (House MD/Law & Order) requested by phinnia
(This messes up the plot of "Clueless," but I didn't realize that until later.)


“That was the worst expert testimony I’ve heard in my entire career.”

“I win the case for you and now you give me a bad review?”

“You didn’t win the case. You practically exonerated her by reminding the jury of all the kinky sex games she played with the husband.”

“I had to do something. They were falling asleep. You would have bored them to death and then I’d have to come back here and testify that you can’t really bore someone to death. You just make them want to die.”

“I was building a case.”

“You were practically having carnal knowledge with the sound of your own voice. Do you have to practice to fake that much sincerity? Have you considered doing insurance advertisements?”

“She’s a murderer.”

“Yeah, but she makes really awesome snickerdoodles.”

“Don’t you care that she took a man’s life? Deliberately fed him poison and watched him suffer?”

“I heard your summation already and it wasn’t that good the first time.”

“It convinced the jury.”

“No, I think that was the boyfriend showing up with the hickeys and the tickets to Mazatlan.”

“Well, that didn’t hurt.”

“It was really cool when she started screaming and cursing at him. Is it always that dramatic around here.”

“Nope. Almost never.”



Greg House/Flying Spaghetti Monster requested by phinnia

“You do know I’m an atheist, right?”

“You wish you were an atheist. You’re really one of the most desperate agnostics I’ve ever seen. Your girlfriend Cameron, now there’s an atheist.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Give it time.”

“Is that what you’re here to tell me oh great heap of vermicelli that I don’t believe in?”

“I’m not here to tell you anything. You’re here to ask me.”

“No I’m not. This is some freaky near-death experience hallucination.”

“Which you instigated in yet another one of your insane experiments, which only prove how much you want to believe there is something.”

“You sound like Wilson.”

“He said you’d say that.”

“Wilson talks to you?”

“Well, not in this guise. He’s still hung up on his Bar Mitzvah speech and the backwards letters, but he gets down on his knees more than you’d think.”

“Not necessarily.”

“You need to cut this shit out.”

“Could you be more specific, Mr. Noodle Roni.”

“Fraid not. You know how these things work. Open to all kinds of interpretation. Ask your boyfriend Chase”

“He’s not my…”

Give it time.”

“I nearly die and that’s all I get? A bunch of pasta that sounds like a cross between Wilson and my dad? That sucks.”

“Sorry. Gotta fly.”


Jack Harkness/Noah Bennett (Torchwood/Heroes) Requested drunken_hedghog
I really love how this one came out and might expand it into a full story.



“I hear you can do some pretty special things, Captain.”

“Well, a gentleman never brags, but those pilates classes have been paying off.”

“I’ve heard about those things too, but that’s not why I’m here.”

“And I take it the big fella isn’t looking for a threesome?”

“No.”

“Whatever he’s doing, you can tell him to stop. It’s been tried before. He’s not going to get anything.”

“I didn’t think so. You’re not like the others. Whatever you are, it’s not genetic.”

“I know that. But how did you find out about me?”

“You haven’t been as discreet as you think. That javelin thing was an urban legend before there was ever an internet.”

“You’re not drinking your drink.”

“And I’m not going to. I’d like to remember this conversation.”

“What do you want?”

“I want you to come with me.”

“Why didn’t you say so?”

“It’s tempting, but not what I have in mind. I’ve got a daughter. She’s like you. Not the same reason, but she heals. She can’t die. And she doesn’t know how to live with it. You must have found some way to make peace with immortality. I need you to talk to her. Please.”

“ Just how old is this daughter of yours anyway?”

“She’s sixteen, and let me tell you something Captain. If you lay a hand on her, you’ll wish you could die.”



Cameron/Owen (House MD/Torchwood) requested by kohlrimmedeye

“He’s an addict.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“And you’re in love with him.”

“I was in love with him. I got over it.”

“Save it for someone’s who’s blind, all right?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Love always matters.”

“Dr. Harper, you’re a romantic.”

“No, I’m a cynical bastard, but I know what’s what, and I know what it’s like to love someone who’s going to destroy you. I hate to see it happen to someone else.”

“Any suggestions.”

“None at all.”

“Then why mention it.”

“Can’t help myself. I see the truth, I speak it.”

“No matter who gets hurt?”

“Usually.”

“Should I pat you down for drugs?”

“I’m not like him.”

“Sure you are. You’ve been hurt and you’re taking it out on the world. You’re hooked on self pity and god knows what else.”

“Ouch.”

“So how are you different?”

“If I had a woman like you in love with me…”

“You wouldn’t even notice.”


Lindsay Monroe/Isaac Mendez (CSI-NY/Heroes) requested by kohlrimmedeye


“Mr. Mendez? Are you Isaac Mendez?”

“Maybe. Who wants to know?”

“Are you all right?”

“I’m jonesing like a sonofabitch and I seem to be lying in a gutter, but at least there’s a pretty girl talking to me.”

“I’m Lindsay Monroe from the New York Crime Lab.”

“So maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned the jonesing?”

“Maybe you should tell me what you’re doing here?”

“Damned if I know…I was looking to score some…uh…I had a falafel craving, so I met a friend who knows where to get the good stuff and next thing I know…should have gone for Chinese.”

“Let me help you up.”

“Awww but it’s so nice down here. Looking up at the stars and all. How’d you know me, anyway?”

“We’ve been trying to find you for two days. A friend of yours is dead.”

“All my friends are dead…or dying.”

“Please let me help you.”

“That’s what they all say.”

“Look, if you need a referral to a program, I’m sure we can…”

“I don’t need that, I need a pretty girl with pretty…what are you doing?”

“I’m processing you. I need reference samples so we can rule you out. And…why are you looking at me like that?”

“I painted you.”

“OK, Mr. Mendez, let’s get up and get you a meal and…”

“It’s true. I saw you…there was an explosion…you were in a hotel room…did that happen yet?”

“Yeah. It did. A few months ago, but how did you know…”

“I told you. I painted it. I can paint the future.”

“Yeah. OK. Right. Look, you seem to have had a rough couple of days and I really need some fingerprints.”

“There was a man…with glasses…holding you.”

“Danny?”

“I don’t know his name, but he was looking at you like…”

“Like what?”

“Like he couldn’t imagine life without you.”

“Really?”

“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. You can do the fingerprints and all. I’ve done time so I’ll be in the computer…do you need to arrest me?”

“No. I'll just finish up here and...uh..

“What was that for?”

“Just to say thanks.”


Chase/Tosh (House MD/Torchwood) requested by kimberweeme


“I met your dad once. ”

“Thousands of people met my dad once and they probably all knew him better than I did.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No. I’m sorry. I should be used to it by now.”

“You never get over the death of a parent.”

“I’m used to him being gone. He was gone even when he was there. It’s being his son. Having his name. The fact that he’ll always be here.”

“Isn’t that a comfort?”

“Like revering the spirit of an ancestor?”

“Well…yes.”

“No, Toshiko, it’s not like that all. It’s like a bloody albatross. Do you know he published his first book when he was twenty-two?”

“I did, actually. It was a standard text when I was in medical school.”

“All that Chase genius that I’m supposed to be carrying on. All the books I’m supposed to write, the research I’m expected to do and I’m still here. Doing this. For him.”

“Your father?”

“No. This is for House. It’s got nothing to do with my father.”

“Are you sure?”



Allison Cameron/Danny Messer (House MD/CSI-NY) requested by babykid528
Another of my favorites. I could so see these two together.



“What’s the matter with you?”

“You’re the doctor.You tell me.”

“Very funny.”

“Hey, I got a million of ‘em.”

“That’s the problem, Danny. You’ve got a million of everything. Excuses, lies, ways to get yourself hurt.”

“Whoah there, sweetheart. I was good enough for you to dump your boyfriend the day they let me out of the hospital.”

“You were different then.”

“I was shot full of holes and facing six months of rehab. You were gonna be my personal Florence Nightingale, only I don’t think that that was the kind of physical therapy my surgeon had in mind.”

“You bastard!”

“Hey, I ain’t sayin’ it hasn’t been great, Allison. And it can go on being great, but this is who I am.”

“Who is that Danny, you tell me?”

“I’m the guy who has to get out there and face these scumbags on the street.”

“No. You work in a lab.”

“Sometimes they let me out.”

“And every time you get shot or stabbed or you don’t come home until three in the morning and I don’t know if you’re lying dead in a gutter or just shooting pool in a bar somewhere.”

“And which would you prefer? Do you want me alive and drinking with some of the guys, or dead, so you can mourn me and go cry on your Aussie boy’s shoulder?”

“What do you think?”

“I think you want me like this; just as fucked up as you are.”



Gwen Cooper/James Wilson (Torchwood/House MD) requested by hllangel


“Can I help you? You seem a bit…lost.”

“Oh, that's very kind. I’m looking for someone. He seems to have gone missing again. Did you seen a man come by here?”

“It’s a busy area, you’ll need to be more specific.”

“Of course. Well, he usually wears a greatcoat. Bit old-fashioned looking.”

“You do know it’s the middle of July?”

“That doesn’t bother him much.”

“OK. What else?”

“I’m sure you’d have noticed him. ”

“Why, exactly?”

“He’s the kind of man you can’t help but notice. I mean, of course he’s good looking, oh so very good looking, but it’s more than that.”

“Is he your husband?”

“I wish. No. I didn’t just say that, did I? Of course I don’t. It would be mad. But he’s just…you know how there are some people, you just have to follow them or do what they say, even when you don’t know why, because they just have that aura that makes you believe they know what they're doing and that everything will be all right in the end. Do you know what I mean?”

“Actually, I think I do.”

“So you’ve seen a man like that then?”

“I have, but it’s not the one you’re looking for.”



Greg House/The Master (House MD/Dr. Who) requested by hllangel



“What kind of drumming?”

“What do you mean what kind of drumming. Drumming. All the time. In my head.”

“Yeah, but is it more like Buddy Rich or more like Gene Krupa? Are we talking Keith Moon or John Bonham? Please tell me it’s not Ringo.”

“Why?”

“That would be neurological and you’d be Foreman’s problem.”

“I came all the way to this god-forsaken spot in the arm-pit of your so-called called country for a diagnoses, not some damned musical pub-quiz. It’s drumming, that’s all you need to know, and I want to know how to stop it.”

“But none of your NHS guys can figure it out, huh, Mr. Prime Minister.”

“Obviously not. And if you can’t fix it, I promise, the consequences will be dire.”

“For who? You’ll embargo Beckham and Posh? Send the Queen to scold me for being naughty? You’ll have to be a little scarier than that.”

“You have no idea who you’re dealing with Dr. House.”

“And you have no idea how to solve your little drumming problem, so why don’t get down off your high-horse and let me do my job.”

“Do you think you can?”

“No idea. We’ll do some tests, ask embarrassing questions about your personal life and maybe keep you from dying in the process.”

“I’m not worried about that.”

“Please don’t be a suicide case. Then it’s psych and we don’t get to play anymore.”

“I’m not here for your amusement, Dr. House. What’s that?”

“Stethoscope. I’m sure you’ve seen one before. Even with the budget cuts. Now keep quiet.”

“No. You can’t do that. Stop! I forbid you.”

“Oh for god’s sake, it’s just a stethoscope, now hold still and ….Did I just hear what I thought I did?”

“Perhaps.”

“Oh, this is going to be fun.”



Owen Harper/Robert Chase (Torchwood/House MD) requested by lifebecomesart


“You’re not House.”

“Dr. Robert Chase. House couldn’t make it.”

“I take it that’s bullshit for he wouldn’t come?”

“He doesn’t believe in aliens.”

“You do?”

“I’m willing to believe my own eyes if I see it.”

“Oh you’ll see it all right. You as good as House?”

“Probably not, but I’m the best you’re going to get.”

“My boss ain’t gonna be happy.”

“He’ll be happy if I can figure out what’s wrong with your 'captive'.”

“You don’t know Jack Harkness. He wants what he wants when he wants it.”

“Sounds like House. I guess bosses are all the same. Sometimes you just want to shoot them.”

“Been there. Done that. For real, I mean.”

“You shot him?”

“Yeah.”

“Shot your boss?”

“In the head. And twice in the chest, if it makes any difference.”

“Did it?”

“Apparently not. Gave me a big hug and everything.”

“I couldn’t hug mine until I thought he was dying. Not like he hugged back much.”

“Did you want him to?”

“Yeah. I guess I did.”

“I was wrong. Jack’s gonna like you just fine.”




Jeeves/Wilson (Jeeves & Wooster/Houes MD) requested by leiascully


“Thank you, Jeeves. That was wonderful. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a home-cooked meal…well, since I’ve had a home really.”

“Are you finding the accommodations to your satisfaction, sir?”

“Well, it’s going to take some getting used to.”

“I can imagine. Were you close to your late brother.”

“No. I don’t suppose anyone was, so when he disappeared, we didn’t know what to do…and then to find out that he’d been living in Sunderland as Lord Barbour for all this time and then that he’d been in killed in a cricket accident.”

“Terrible thing, sir.”

“I don’t think my parents will ever get over it.”

“Quite the shock to lose a son.”

“That too, but mostly when it turned out he’d had all this money and left it to me. My mother said it was kurvishe gelt.”

“I’m not sure I understand, sir.”

“She called my brother a whore.”

“Ah yes. Wills often have away of tearing family ties asunder.”

“I told them I didn’t want the money or the mansion, but they insisted I come here and see what Nathan had made of himself and I sort of…fell in love with it.”

“Was there perhaps another reason for you to leave the States?”

“Why do you ask?”

“There were some letters for you today from New Jersey. One from a Dr. Cuddy and another from, well the penmanship certainly left something to be desired, but I believe it was from a Mr. House.”

“Doctor House.”

“A former colleague, then.”

“And a friend, Jeeves.”

“Perhaps more than a friend?”

“How do you…?”

“Your tone, a certain fond look in the eye. You are quite the honest soul, Dr. Wilson.”

“He’d never say that about me.”

“I do have an instinct about people, sir. Perhaps your Dr. House should be asked to pay a visit?”

“I don’t think so. We’ve both said some things.”

“Then I suggest giving time and distance the chance to work some magic.”

“It’s worth a try. A little magic might just do the trick.”

“Very good, sir.”






Matt Parkman/Jack Harkness (Heroes/Torchwood) requested by hannahorlove

This was a lot of fun. I love these two together.



“Oh my God! That was…I don’t even know how to say how great…I’ve never…I mean…”

“Matt…just, say 'incredible' and then be quiet for awhile, ok?”

“I don’t want to be quiet. I want to scream.”

“I’m not sure you noticed, but you did that already. We both did.”

“But I couldn’t hear you.”

“I think people in Swansea heard me.”

“No, I mean inside my head. I didn’t hear you thinking. I had no idea what was going on in your mind.”

“Sure you did. You knew what was going on in my mind the minute you looked at me.”

“Jack, please listen to me. I can…I know it’s going to sound crazy, but I can hear people’s thoughts.”

“OK.”

“But I couldn’t hear you. The closer I am to someone, the more I hear. Usually when I’m having…when I’m with someone, I can hear every single thought going through their mind. I haven’t been with a woman since my wife left. Or anybody. It’s too painful.”

“Well I’m glad I wasn’t painful for you.”

“No, not at all. It was like, I said…but why can’t I hear you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m not a deep thinker?”

“Bullshit. You picked me up and gave me some of the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“Only some? I’ll have to try harder.”

“But I just told you I can read people’s thoughts. Something that either scares most people to death or makes them look at me like I’m crazy and you just accepted it. You know about us don’t you?”

“I know about you.”

“So this wasn’t just because you think I’m such a hot guy, was it?”

“Well partially…”

“Again with the bullshit. You could do better, I saw who else was looking at you, so who the hell are you, and why can’t I fucking read your mind?"

“OK, Matt. You need to calm down. Yeah, I came looking for you and yeah, I like to mix a little business with pleasure. You got any complaints?”

“No, I mean…it was kind of a relief, and like I said, I’ve never…”

“I know.”

“So what do you really want?”

“I work for Torchwood.”

“Never heard of 'em.”

“Good. I need you to read … a prisoner.. I’m not sure you’ll get anything, but we’ve tried everything else to communicate and we’re not getting anywhere.”

“Who is it?”

“Not who. What.”

“What? You’re losing me.”

“You’ll see when we get there. Will you do it?”

“Can we do this again?”

“Right this second?"

“Well, maybe not right this second.”

“Can you tell what I’m thinking now?”

“Yeah, I can. That’s one hell of an incentive program you’ve got there.”




Jools Siviter/Lisa Cuddy (Spooks/House MD) requested by vanillafluffy

Always a pleasure to write Jools and this incorporated an in-joke between VF and myself from a comment chat earlier that day.


“Hello Lisa,”

“What the hell are you doing here.”

“Is that any way to greet an old…”

“Bastard?”

‘I was going to say friend.”

“We were never friends, Jools.”

“Ah, but we were so much more than that.”

“It was a long time ago.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten that rather hazardous car ride. Rather a miracle we didn’t sustain damage to vehicle or person.”

“Oh my god…that was…insane. Dangerous.”

“But, so much fun.”

“Stupid. I was young and stupid.”

“You were never stupid.”

“Well I’m not anymore, so whatever you came here for, you’re not going to get it.”

“Now you are being stupid. I’m going to get exactly what I want and you’re going help me.”

“What is it Jools? What could you possibly need in the middle of New Jersey?”

“House.”

“House? Greg House? What’s he done now?”

“What hasn’t he done?”

‘Oh. You know about him.”

“Apparently not as well as you do.”

“We have history.”

“You and I have history. You and your Dr. House have a relationship.”

“No. We don’t. I was responsible for his …”

“Yes, I’ve seen the medical reports and had them explained. But you’re here and he’s here and I need him for something.”

“And you want me to convince him? He doesn’t listen to me.”

“Then don’t use words.”

“Jools, I’m not going to…”

“I need this man’s cooperation and I will have it. Your powers of persuasion or mine, which would you prefer we try first?”

“I’ll go talk to him.”



Captain Jack/Coma Guy (Torchwood/House MD) requested by daisylilly

I tried it for the challenge, but what can you really do with that pairing?


“I’ve heard of going under-cover, but don’t you think this is taking it to extremes?”

”You can lie there making those monitors beep all you want. We know you are and what you’re doing here. “

“I saw the bodies. That was no regular accident on the Turnpike.

“Right. Yeah. Guy in a coma. Very convincing. Now get your ass out of there before I make it a permanent disguise.”

“One last chance, either you’re getting out of that bed and coming with me now or you’re never getting out of that bed.”

“You asked for it.”

“Never know what can happen to a guy in a coma in a hospital. All sorts of bad things, from what I hear.”


Jack Harkness/Evil Nurse Brenda (Torchwood/House MD) requested by daisylily

Slightly easier, but still tricky.



“What the hell?”

“Hello, there. Captain Jack Harkness, and you are….?

“You’re dead!”

“Not really.”

“Yes, really. I was here. You were brought in here cut to bits and bleeding. This is your blood on my scrubs.”

“Maybe you’d like to get out of them.”

“Watch your mouth.”

“Sorry.”

“How can I even be talking to you?”

“I’m sure it was a mistake. Monitor malfunction?”

“Doctor Cameron called time of death fifteen minutes ago”

“Cameron…is that the cute guy with the paddles?”

“Dr. Chase tried to revive you…”

“I’ll have to thank him on my way out.”

“You’re not going anywhere. I’m calling Dr. Cuddy.”

“Look, I need to get out of there. The guy who pulled the knife on me, he’s going to hurt some other people unless I find him.”

“I saw you die.”

“And that’s a problem for you, isn’ it?”

“It’s a problem because I need this job and if I’m talking to corpses, I can’t do it anymore.”

“Uh, look, what’s your name?”

“Brenda. Brenda Previn.”

“OK, Brenda Previn, listen to me. You’re not losing your mind. What you saw really happened, but what you’re seeing now, is really happening too.”

“But…”

“Take my hand. That’s right. Nice, huh? Warm? Feel my pulse. A little high. Pretty nurses always do that to me. But now, I need you to get me my clothes and then forget I was ever here, although I know that’s gonna be kind of difficult.”

“I don’t understand any of this.”

“To tell you the truth, Brenda, neither do I.”



Robert Sean Leonard/James Wilson (RPS/House MD) requested by deelaundry

For some reason, this one gave me a lot of trouble.



“I need to talk to you.”

“Is that even possible?”

“I’m talking. You’re answering.”

“I know that Stella Adler always told her students to let the characters speak to them, but I don’t think she meant it this literally.”

“Are you going to do a monologue or are you going to listen?”

“Speak bright angel.”

“Is that from Hamlet?”

“Romeo and Juliet. Thanks for playing. Shouldn’t you know this stuff?”

“You’re the ‘actor’s actor.’ I’m just a doctor who buries himself in his work and has no personal life.”

“That’s not my fault.”

“Actually, I think it is.”

“How?”

“This thing with you and Hugh.”

“Hey! Not so loud. That’s supposed to be a secret.”

“That’s what you think and I’m only in your head so stop talking out loud and we’ll be fine.”

“Maybe Hugh and I have gotten…close. So what?”

“Would you mind keeping it off the screen? House likes to bust my chops enough as it is. Now he keeps catching me staring at him for no apparent reason. He’s convinced I’m in love with him and so is the nursing staff. It’s making it hard to get a date.”

“Aren’t you?”

“No. Don’t you pay attention to the scripts? I’ve been married three times.”

“And they were all a mistake.”

“Because I’m a horndog, not because of House. Just keep your longing gazes to yourself until the director says cut. OK?”

“Sure. I mean…I’ll try. I’ve been trying. Really. But don’t you think…with some of the scripts, there could be something there?”

“On Fox?”

“OK. You win, but I still think the oncologist doth protest too much.”

“Romeo and Juliet?”

“Hamlet.”





Greg House/Danny Ocean (House MD/Ocean's 11) requested by hansolo5

This took a really long time to get a handle on.



“Did you know that bonobo apes are bi-sexual? They use sex as a means of stress relief with anyone in their tribe, male, female, brothers, sisters.”

“Yeah, House. I watch Discovery Channel too. Call or raise.”

“And the male bower bird…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…decorates bowers to impress the babes. You want to kibbitz, you can go back out there and play canasta with the blue hairs. You want in on this game; you shut up and you play.”

“There’s a pretty good surgeon on staff at PPTH. He night be able to remove that stick you’ve got up your butt. And I’ll raise.”

“You think I’m letting you or your surgeon anywhere near this butt, you can think again.”

“Oh sorry. That’s Rusty’s territory. My mistake.”

“What did you come here for anyway?”

“Just wanted to play a little poker.”

“You still running that weekly game at your place?"

“Yeah, you want in? It’ll cost you.”

“I think your stakes are too high for me. And I’ll raise.”

“Yeah, wouldn’t want you to go broke playing pinochle with dry-cleaner guy. I know you Danny. You got nothing, but you might have something.”

“Always.”

“But I think you got nothing. Or I wouldn’t be here.”

“Are we still talking about cards?”

“We’re sure not talking about bonobo chimps and I call.”

“You were right, House. I had nothing.”

“Not necessarily, Danny. We’ve got all night. Deal again."


James Wilson/Jeeves (House MD/Jeeves & Wooster) requested by petrichor_fizz

Includes the scariest possible pairing in history.



“I say, Dr. Wilson, are you quite sure about this?”

“That cigarettes have been linked to lung cancer and you should probably stop smoking? Yes, it’s been accepted medical knowledge for quite some time now.”

“Sounds like utter balderdash to me. What could be more invigorating that that first puff in the morning, except possible for that first gin and tonic in the afternoon?”

“About the drinking…”

“Oh don’t be absurd! I’m fit as a banjolele and ready for dinner. If there any concerns for my well-being, I’m sure I would have heard about it from my man Jeeves and he’s certainly never…”

“That would be the Mr. Jeeves who made the appointment for you?”

“Well it’s all my Aunt Agatha’s doing really. Has it in her mind to make sure I’m healthy enough to carry on the family line, although if you knew what some points on the line had been up to, you’d certainly doubt the need.”

“But why not have your family physician do the check-up?”

“Yes, well, that’s quite a story isn’t it? The Woosters have been going through family physicians since Socrates was a pup.”

“You mean Hippocrates?”

“Whoever it is that you fellows swear your allegeiance to. Anyway, I’m here to meet one of your American girls. Aunt Agatha thought we might hit it off. From a hotel family, I hear. With a funny name too, Vienna or Prague or some such.”

“Paris?”

“Could be. It’ll all come to naught anyway. Jeeves will see to that. How on earth could I possibly marry a girl named Paris? The girls here are an odd lot, aren’t they?”

“You can say that.”

“Who was that overwrought harpy making a fuss in the corridor.”

“Nurse Previn, I’m afraid you gave her a bit of a shock by actually being polite to her.”

“What on earth…?”

“There’s a slight resemblance to one of our…never mind. You seem to be in good health.”

“A clean bill then?”

“Yes, but…”

“And no more of this slander. Where would you colonials be without your fine tobacco growers?”

“Say hello to Miss Hilton for me. I think you two might just hit it off."


Ianto Jones/Lindsay Monroe (Torchwood/CSI-NY) requested by silver_fic



“It was so awful.”

“Awful? You want to talk awful? I saw hundreds of people massacred.”

“So much blood everywhere.”

“Bodies piled so high, they couldn’t count them.”

“I couldn’t stop it.”

“I hid like a coward.”

“My four best friends.”

“The woman I loved.”

“Fine. You win.”

“It’s not about winning Lindsay. It’s about surviving and moving on with your life.”

“How’s that working for you?”

“I’m finding ways to cope.”

“By sleeping with your boss?”

“As if you wouldn’t do it.”

“From what I’ve heard it’s not that much of an accomplishment.”

“I meant your boss.”

“Mac? You think I want to…?”

“You want to wrap yourself up in an authority figure who can make you feel safe.”

“Is that what you’re doing?”

“Safety’s an illusion. I’ve learned that.”

“Then what are you looking for?”

“Absolution.”


Sheldon Hawkes/Toshiko Sato (CSI-NY/Torchwood) requested by silver_fic

This one just DID NOT want to come at all.



“Sid said you guys would be showing up. I bet fifty bucks he was wrong.”

“Sorry.”

“But I got to meet you, so it’s worth it.”

“That’s very sweet of you, Dr. Hawkes.”

“Sheldon.”

“All right then, Sheldon, but I’m surprised you even know about Torchwood.”

“I never heard of you people until Sid mentioned it. So, this guy? He’s from another planet?”

“Most definitely. Look at these readings.”

“I've got no idea what that thing is doing, but it looks pretty cool. Adam would go nuts over it.”

“What made your co-worker think it was an alien?”

“The green skin. The tentacles. The extra eye.”

“And why did you think it wasn’t?”

“Have you ever been to New York before?”

“In and out. Never had time to really see it.”

“Everybody’s an alien in one way or another.”

“But Dr. Hammerback…”

“Sid’s more alien than most. You may want to wave that thing around him a few times and see what it says.”

“I’m probably not going to be around here that long.”

“Aw, come on. You said you’ve never seen New York. Let me show you around. You think you’ve got aliens? Wait’ll you see Times Square.”

“I’m not here on a holiday. I need to get back to our lab with the body.”

“That’s not going to happen until we figure out how he ended up in an Oyster bed off Montauk.”

“I assure you, our jurisdiction takes precedence. I’m sure my boss has already contacted yours.”

“Mac’s gonna love that. If there’s a turf-war, he’ll go to the mats on it. Trust me, you’ve got some time to kill. Sure I can’t interest you in the Sheldon Hawkes tour of Manhattan?”

“Can we go to the Museum of Modern Art??”

“Absolutely. But you have to promise you’ll check out Hammerback for me. Aint no way he’s all human."


Kutner/Owen (House MD/Torchwood) requested by silver_fic



“My boss hates my guts.”

“What am I, your bloody guidance counselour?”

“But you’ve met him.”

“Yeah, for ten minutes at a medical conference five years ago. He was a right bastard then, and from what I hear, he hasn’t changed for the better.”

“But you must know something.”

”Why? And why am I talking to you?”

“Cause I’m buying you a drink?”

“You’re buying me several if I have to put up with this crap.”

“He drives us crazy. Never tells us what he’s really thinking.”

“Right.”

“It’s a game until it’s serious. Or it’s serious, but he makes jokes about it.”

“Never boring, is it?”

“No, but I can’t stop thinking about him. All the time.”

“So you’re in love with him, then?”

“NO! Of course not.”

“Just obsessed.”

“No. I’m not. OK. Just a little.”

“That’s like a little bit pregnant.”

“So what am I going to do?”

“Well, if it were my boss…”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“I do, really.”

“Well, you could always shag him, but…”

“You mean, have sex?”

“You got a problem with that?”

“But he’s….”

“Have you tried?”

“No. Have you?”

“Once or twice.”

“What kind of boss do you have anyway?”

“The kind who’s easier to screw than understand.”

“That sounds like House. OK. I’ll let you know what happens.”

“Do me a favor. Please don’t.“



James Wilson/Sid Hammerback (House MD/CSI-NY) requested by silver_fic

Another tricky one, but I like the implications.



Sid…Sid Hammerback? What are you doing here?”

“Good to see you too, James.”

“Sorry. It just, it’s been years.”

“But you remembered me.”

“Of course I remember you. You nearly derailed my medical career before it started.”

“Don’t blame me for that.”

“Two weeks with you and I was going to chuck it all and become a philosophy major.”

“I thought you were going to switch to literature and write poetry.”

“It’s a good thing for poetry and philosophy that I didn’t.”

“Certainly a good thing for medicine. You’re practically a legend.”

“If you say the words boy wonder, I might be forced to call security.”

“I wasn’t planning on it. Just letting you know I’ve followed your career since then. Department head. Papers published. Wives.”

“Sid…”

“Nothing wrong with wives. I’m on my second. Kids even.”

“Really?”

“My oldest daughter’s about to start Columbia. Wants to be a doctor.”

“Mazel Tov.”

“Thanks.”

“Sid, it’s great to see you…”

“But why am I here?”

“You’re not looking…”

“Not for that. Not here anyway.”

“Good, because I’m not like that anymore.”

“I know about you and House.”

“There is no me and House.”

“Maybe not like there was a you and me, but there is a you and House. Might come in handy.”

“For what?”

“I need you to look at some X-rays.”

“Whose.”

“A friend.”

“A friend?”

“James, please. This person is very important to me and I promised I’d bring these to you for an opinion. If you can get House to look at them as well, I’d be really grateful.”

“OK. I’ll do it. Come on.”

“Thanks.”

“So what exactly are you doing now?”

“I’m in pathology. Working in the New York crime lab.”

“That sounds exciting, if you don’t mind working with dead people.”

“I’ll tell you one thing James. It’s easier seeing them dead than watching them die.”



Amber Volakis a/k/a Cut Throat Bitch/Suzie Costello (House MD/Torchwood) requested by louiseroho



“You killed people, just to test out some alien glove?”

“It was the only way.”

“And House thinks I’m a cut-throat bitch.”

“I was getting good. I could bring people back to life. I was up to three minutes.”

“That’s not a great statistic.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I’m not sure I want to.”

“But you do. Or you wouldn’t be talking to me. That’s all I am now. A curiosity.”

“No, you’re an inspiration. You wanted something and you did what it took to get it.”

“As you just pointed out I committed murder.”

“Murders.”

“After the first time, it’s all the same.”

“Good to know. It’s the planning ahead that gets me. How long? Months? Years?”

“Look what I was up against. The combined forces of Torchwood. The dregs of humanity to fight the dregs of space.”

“I hate my competition, but dregs?”

“Oh please. Torchwood thinks it’s the best and the brightest, but you should take a look around that place and see who actually ends up there.”

“Hey, you think they’re recruiting?”

“Would you like me to write you a recommendation?”

“No, that won’t be necessary.”

“Really? I’m sure Jack would love you.”

“Is that your boss?”

“It was. Until I shot him.”

“Wouldn’t a resignation letter have worked just as well?”

“You don’t resign from Torchwood and you don’t retire.”

“No pension plan.”

“Just cold and quiet for all eternity.”

“Sounds like winter in Piscataway.”

“I don’t have much time. Is there something else you wanted to know?”

“Is it worth sticking around here after I’ve lost the game?”

“How much have you planned ahead?”

“I thought I was going to win.”

“You don’t want to lie to a woman with a hole in her head. You must have a contingency plan.”

“Well, there’s Wilson.”

“What about him?”

“He likes me. Well, my legs anyway. It wouldn’t take much…”

‘Almost as good as locking the team in the Hub.”

“It’ll get House’s attention, but it could also come back to destroy me.”

“I know the feeling. Is that a chance you’re prepared to take?”

“I don’t know.”

“Sure you do. House does. He looked at you and gave you the name. All you have to do is live up to it.”




AND FINALLY---I tried to resist, but the sea refuses no river, and karaokegal declines no challenge:

Ianto Jones/Thirteen (Torchwood/House MD) requested by silver_fic


Why are following me?”

“There’s some suspicion that you might be an alien.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Well your insistence on going by a number rather than actual name is quite odd.”

“Says who? My boss is just fine with it.”

“I’m afraid my employer is not quite as sanguine.”

“Who’s that?”

“I work for Torchwood.”

“And that is…”

“Do you remember meeting a Captain Jack Harkness?”

“Should I?”

“Most people do, unless he makes sure they don’t. He might have been wearing a rather long coat of a military style.”

“Oh him. House sent me to find out if he knew anything about this guy who passed out next to him on a bus to Atlantic City.”

“And did he?”

“It wasn’t medically relevant.”

“You made quite an impression on Captain Harkness.”

“Because he made me an offer I was able to refuse.”

“Excuse me?”

“Several of them.”

“Yes. That would do it. No wonder he’s suspicious. Would you mind if I took some readings.”

“Did House put you up to this?”

“House? Oh, your employer. He has a rather interesting file as well, but he’s been cleared. Definitely human. Possibly too much so.”

“But I might be from another planet just because I’m a female who didn’t get all fluttery over your Captain and his pretty face.”

“I think of it more as alluring and it honestly has nothing to do with your gender.”

“Just his ego?”

“If you’ll just give us a few samples, we can get this cleared up.”

“Maybe I don’t want to get this cleared up.”

“You’d prefer to have constant surveillance?”

“No.”

“But you do like constant attention.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You need to be mysterious, don’t you?”

“I don’t mind it.”

“Well that answers the question then.”

“Which one?”

“Completely human. And completely understandable. How do you think I’ve kept Jack’s interest this long?”

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