May 5th, 2015

Rachel Bull Pucky

Personal post. Food, shame, OA stuff, possible triggering.

So this happened:

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The following day, I went to my boss and apologized for disrespecting her by basically lying to her face and then going right on trying to get away with the behavior. She ended up hugging me, saying she loved me and that I shouldn't feel bad. (I was in tears at this point...that's always a good look in front of your boss.)

Without going into all the gory details, I told her I had a problem with food, that I taking steps (didn't actually there were 12 of them) to work on it and told it was now a matter of personal commitment and integrity that it wouldn't happen again.

Getting off the nuts has been excruciating. My disease has fought back hard with cravings, anxiety, and various sneaky addict thoughts. I think this is the first time I've actually been forced to WORK the program in this round of recovery. I made a lot of phone calls and I prayed, while I wanted nuts (or just to binge the pain away) so bad I felt like I was going to claw my skin off.

I have to commit my "no nuts," along with my exercise abstinence to my sponsor. (The joys of being an addict. Also need to get my ass in gear on that 2nd step.)

HOWEVER...I'm doing it...including having to work dreaded 5AM shift yesterday.
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