karaokegal (karaokegal) wrote,

Dreams, hopes and aspirations.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

My friend Ivan just graduated from SFSU. He still has to do Grad school before he can be a real teacher and everything, but the point is he went back and he did it. We've known eachother since 1994 when we worked at Getz Travel together before it got bought out by the Evil Empire (Navigant Travel.) After that he worked at Carlson and when they closed their San Francisco office, he got his shit together and decided what he really wanted to do with his life (teach history) and he fucking did IT!!!!

We went out to dinner to celebrate with his friends and family on Saturday night. I slept very late the following morning and caught what must have been the end of a very long dream, in which I was my current age, but still in High School. OK, I'm not 100% sure if it was High School or college, but I was a mess and I was wearing my pajama top under a jacket. I think I was there trying to pick up a few more credits so I could go on to college (which I never finished) and I get a piece of paper that said I wasn't ready to go yet.

Sunday night I went to the Mint for my usual Karaoke and it turned out to be a graduation party for JD. She's a Mint old-timer. She and her girlfriend Marsha were already hanging out at the Mint when I got there, which is at least 10 years or more. I wouldn't say we're really close, but we know eachother a little. She and Marsha were totally there for me during the "Hubby Near Death" experience a few years back. She's a wonderful singer, with a rich, smokey tone, who makes it look absolutely effortless.

Anyway, it turns out that she's gone back to school so that she can teach Middle School Math.

Again someone my age or older who went back and did it so they can do what they want to do with their lives.

Is someone trying to tell me something?

Hubby says he would support me if I wanted to go back to school, but I can't see any point doing it, if I don't have a specific goal, otherwise I'm right back where I was when I flunked at least one course a semester because I just didn't care.

All I really want to do is write smut.

Which raises the question: Why am I NOT writing any original fiction? Or smut for that matter?

When I came to LJ and got addicted to fanfic and House and Hugh and comments and you guys, it was a good thing because following the 20 rejection letters from agents for my unsold novel, "Hooray For West Hollywood," I had completely stopped writing.

But now I wonder if I'm using my fanfic "obligations" as a way to NOT write anything original. Or if the crutch of using existing characters is keeping me from formulating something new.

Tags: journal, navel-gazing

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