Fandom: Dirty Jobs (Discovery Channel)
Character: Mike Rowe
Wordcount: 1046, not including "mission statement".
Notes: Oh, Carol...I am but a fool...
I am so clearly losing it.
Also available at:
My name is Mike Rowe, and this is my job: I explore the country looking for people who aren't afraid to get dirty—hard-working men and women who earn an honest living doing the kinds of jobs that make civilized life possible for the rest of us.
Now get ready to get dirty!
Establishing shot of Golden Gate Bridge and Transamerica Tower.
San Francisco, a city I have the pleasure to call home. This is the part of San Francisco called North Beach. North Beach is known for lots of things: great Italian food, beatniks, and, oh yeah, naked girls.
Shot of Mike standing in front of the Lusty Lady.
“That’s right, North Beach has long been the home of San Francisco’s Strip Clubs, so when I say we’re doing a dirty job, I mean a really dirty job.”
“I’m here at the Lusty Lady on Kearny Street, one of the more famous establishments in the city by the bay and I’m here with Ms. Nutella Gelato, the shift manager.”
“Hello Nutella, or, should I say, Ms. Gelato. Man, I’m getting hungry just talking to you.”
“Many people say that.”
“Tell me what’s so special about the Lusty Lady?”
“Well, Mike, the Lusty Lady is a completely worker-owned co-operative and it was the first strip club in the country to be unionized.”
“So even if it’s a dirty job, at least you get decent benefits.”
“Exactly. If you were an employee you’d have full medical and dental coverage, as well as a pension plan.”
“Hey, Discovery, you hear that? And what am I going to be doing here today? You don’t need me to get in one of those booths and drop my pants or anything. Because then you’d have the clients outside picketing.”
“That’s not the clientele we cater to, but there are some places in the city you could certainly work as a performer. Today we’re going to show you exactly what it takes to keep this establishment running 24 hours a day. First we’re going to inspect the movie booths.”
“Why would anyone want to look at a movie when you’ve got the beautiful ‘live nude girls’ available just across the hall?”
“Different strokes for different folks, Mike.”
“I’ll bet there’s a lot of that going on here.”
“Oh yeah. You’ll see some of that later. Right now we’re going to go into each of the booths and make sure they’re clean and that the video machines are working.”
“Do I get a special Hazmat suit or something?”
“Just some rubber gloves.”
“Perfect. These floors seem to be a little sticky.”
“You’ll spray them down with our extra-strength disinfectant and mop them up. Then empty the token boxes in machines and then activate the machine….like this…just to make sure the DVD is playing. This one has The Young and the Hung.”
“An oldie but goodie. So I push this button and…Oh…well that certainly seems to be working…that’s…is that even…Wow!”
“Oh, sorry. Just admiring the cinematography.”
After removing the erotic cinema’s equivalent of “two thumbs up” and making sure that the patrons wouldn’t have any technical difficulties with Shaving Ryan’s Privates, I moved on to the main feature of the Lusty Lady, the peep show.
“This is Brad. Brad, as you can see, is about 240 pounds of solid muscle. This is not a guy you want to mess with. What is it you do here, Brad? You’re not showing your goodies out there, are you?”
“No, Mike. I’m here to ensure the safety and well-being of the performers by monitoring the viewing areas and making sure none of the rules are being violated.”
“So essentially your job is to watch the guys watch the gals.”
“Does that ever get particularly exciting for you?”
“Maybe the first week or so, then it’s just a job. I gotta make sure I’m ready to go in case one of these jokers gets any ideas.”
“Well, I don’t see how they wouldn’t. What are they not allowed to do?”
“All they can do is look and touch themselves. No taking pictures, no trying to harass the dancers. No waving money and trying to make a private date.”
“Sounds pretty straightforward. And how do you enforce the rules?”
“By any means necessary.”
The shift was shaping up to be pretty uneventful, if you consider a bunch of extremely limber and attractive woman taking off their clothes and men watching them while pleasuring themselves to be a snooze fest. I hadn’t achieved Brad’s state of nonchalance regarding the goings on and was wondering how soon I could get to an off-camera location for a little relief when Brad noticed something in Booth #3.
“See that guy?”
“He’s making a phone call…oh I see…he’s trying to take a picture with his cell phone. And that’s a big no-no.”
“So you’re going to go down there and reason with him?”
“No. You are.”
“Me? How am I going to do that?”
“Use your best persuasive manner.”
Armed only with a smile and a leering camera crew, we interrupted Booth #3 in his attempt to share Vicky VaVoom’s charms with his friends. The other hand was busy as well. When he tried to make a ruckus, I advised him that his itty-bitty camera was nothing compared to the high-definition spectacle he’d be making on national television if he didn’t settle down and obey the rules. He gave up the phone, perhaps deciding it would be better to have both hands available, although I couldn’t see that he really needed two.
“Good work, Mike.”
“Thanks, Brad. What else do I need to do to be a full-fledged employee here?”
That’s right. It was time for me to experience the hot, sweaty, behind-glass world of the Lusty Ladies themselves. No audience would be paying to see me, but I might spend the rest of my life paying the crew to keep their mouths shut. So, the next time you think badly of the girls who take their clothes off for money and the big guys who keep them safe, come down to the Lusty Lady. You might learn a thing or two.
Shot of Mike going into booth.
And after a long day of cleaning up nasty things, watching nastier ones, and seeing naked girls, I needed a little privacy and some time to myself.
Mike closes door. Screen fades to black….
“Barsky you pervert -- get out of here!”
Sound of crew laughing.
Cut to promo for “Deadliest Catch.”